


you've never been so divine in accepting your defeat (and I've never been more scared to be alone)

by newsboyz (snowglobegays)



Category: Newsies - All Media Types
Genre: (in the first chapter), Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Car Accidents, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Graphic Description, Hurt No Comfort, Husbands, M/M, Serious Injuries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 15:28:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29420868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowglobegays/pseuds/newsboyz
Summary: “Are you afraid to die?”Oh, how Jack hated himself sometimes. There he was, having a lovely anniversary date with his boyfriend, but there was a lull in the conversation for, oh, five seconds? And his silly little brain provided him with a question, meant to be a fun conversation starter, but he’d blurted it out before he realized what exactly the question was.Happy anniversary, David! Let’s talk about death!-or, a conversation, and a contradiction.
Relationships: David Jacobs/Jack Kelly
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	1. are you afraid to die?

**Author's Note:**

> NO MCD IN THIS CHAPTER  
> prompt for this ch is 'are you afraid to die?' and its basically setting the stage for the next chapter where there Is death and i also introduce a concept i had a dream about in like 2014 which i will explain more in later notes
> 
> (title from folkin' around by patd)

“Are you afraid to die?”

Oh, how Jack hated himself sometimes. There he was, having a lovely anniversary date with his boyfriend, but there was a lull in the conversation for, oh, five seconds? And his silly little brain provided him with a question, meant to be a fun conversation starter, but he’d blurted it out before he realized what exactly the question  _ was _ . 

_ Happy anniversary, David! Let’s talk about death! _

“That’s a big question,” David laughed. “Why do you ask?”

“I dunno.” Jack cleared his throat, and decided to commit. What the hell. Why not? “Are ya?”

“I don’t think so,” David mused. “I don’t want to, but I’m not afraid.” He paused. “Are you?”

Jack raised an eyebrow, leaning back in his chair. “You’re really not afraid to die?”

David leaned toward him, his elbow on the table, his cheek in his palm. “I’m really not. You really are? You don’t always act like it, especially when you’re drunk.”

“You got a fair point.” Jack huffed a laugh. “I definitely am afraid, though. Didn’t used to be.”

“No?”

“No, I…” Jack bit at his fingernail as he spoke. “When I was growin’ up, I guess… both my parents died and the world just moved on without them. They died and… nothing big changed, except for me, and I was… alone. I had to survive, but I was never really afraid of dying.”

“What changed?”

Jack grimaced at himself. Really, he was incredible at digging his own grave. “I, uhh…” he rubbed the back of his neck, embarrassed. “I think I’d have to say I… well I found somethin’ I don’t wanna leave behind. Dying means losing it, and… that terrifies me.”

“What do you mean?”

“Do I have to spell it out for ya?” Jack whined.

“Yes,” David said. “You’re speaking in code, darling.”

_ Darling. Fuck.  _

“I met you,” he mumbled.

Ever so slowly, David’s face lit up. “What was that?” he asked, with a shit eating grin. “I couldn’t quite hear you.”

“I’m not saying it again,” Jack said, louder, leaning across the table to match David’s pose. “You only get it once.”

“I love you,” David told him. “It is very sweet that you developed a fear because of me.”

“Not like that.” Jack threw a napkin at David. “Shut up. Wait, why aren’t  _ you _ scared of dying? After I was so cute like that?”

David rolled his eyes. “You were very cute. I don’t want to die, as I do enjoy our life together, but I’m not actively afraid of it.”

“How?” Jack cried, shoving his face closer to David’s. “Death is  _ everywhere! _ You could die of anything, David! And there goes our life together!”

“Just because it  _ happens _ sometimes doesn’t mean it’s  _ everywhere- _ ”

“What if you get hit by a car?” Jack interrupted. He  _ loved _ riling David up. “What if I’m just waiting for you to come home and you’re dead in the street? What if you, uh, fall in a pit, somewhere? What if someone drops something from a really tall building and it kills you?”

“Jack, shut up!” David threw the napkin back at Jack, hitting him square in the face. “How is being afraid of dying going to do me any good? Any of those things could happen to  _ you _ , and you’re afraid to die.”

“You’re more alert when you’re scared,” Jack said. “You pay more attention. You’re more vulnerable when you’re not looking.”

David reached across the table and grabbed Jack’s hand, his touch sending warmth shooting down Jack’s arm. Jack loved him so  _ so _ much. “I promise you I pay attention to the world. You are more reckless than I am, and we both know this.”

Jack brought their hands up to his lips, and went in to kiss David’s hand before swooping over and kissing his own thumb. “I’m just messin’ with ya.” He grinned.

“I know.” David unlaced their fingers and brushed the hair off Jack’s forehead gently. “Me too.”

Jack smirked and started nodding. “Oh, I get it, you really are afraid of dying-”

“No, not about that,” David sighed, exasperated. “You stuck your elbow in your pasta when I held your hand.”

“What!” Jack lifted his arm and gasped at the marinara stain in his  _ white fucking shirt _ . “You have got to be kidding me.”

“In my defense,” David said. “It wasn’t on purpose.”

“I will…” Jack waved a hand in David’s direction, “deal with you later, for this. You’ve dodged the question like three times already, Davey.”

“Why are you so interested in my fear of death?” David asked.

“I dunno,” Jack shrugged. “I already asked you, might as well fight for an answer.”

“Well, since you are demanding to know, I think it’s like… when  _ I  _ was growing up, I never really anticipated being… happy, you know?” David grimaced. “That sounds morbid. I was a happy kid, but I was scared of dying before I got the chance to be actually like, content with life.”

It was  _ Jack’s _ turn to be smug. “But you’re not afraid now. Are you… happy or something?”

David scrunched his nose and shook his head at Jack, trying to look annoyed, but his smile morphed his face into something  _ soft. _ “Maybe.”

“Being with me actually  _ eliminated _ a fear of yours,” Jack said, leaning back in awe. “I really am amazing.”

“Yeah,” David agreed. “You are.”

“Oh shut up.” Jack folded his arms across his chest. “I’m gonna be straight with you, Davey, I don’t get how you ain’t afraid of death anymore.” 

“I’m just content, is that a bad thing?” he challenged.

“No, I just… it’s not a bad thing, I’m not hurt by it, just can’t imagine not being afraid of just… leaving all this behind. I’m happy too, an’ that’s why I’m scared.” Jack shrugged.

“I don’t want to leave this all behind,” David said. “I… well, I’m just not scared of dying. It’s just a thing that happens, and once I realized I was happy it was just another thing stressing me out. So I decided not to be afraid of it anymore but it’s not as romantic when I say it like that.”

“You just... decided not to be afraid?”

“Yes.” David nodded, like that was a normal thing to do. 

“You’re weird,” Jack told him. “You’re very weird, but now I’m curious about something else.” He leaned on the table again, making sure his elbow was anywhere  _ but _ his plate.

“Shoot.”

“You’re not afraid of dying, but what about…” he trailed off. “You know…”

“What?” David tilted his head, the way he did when he genuinely didnt know what the  _ fuck _ Jack was on about this time. 

“You  _ know _ ,” he repeated, dropping his voice to a harsh whisper. “The…  _ effect. _ ”

“The Afterlife Effect?” David laughed. “You don’t have to talk about it like it's some big scary thing, Jackie.”

Jack made an annoyed face. “Of course you ain’t afraid of that either.”

David shook his head. “It’s not even scary, babe.”

_ Babe. Fuck.  _

Jack shifted in his seat, and almost ended up with an elbow-full of pasta, again. “Just… I ain’t ever seen a Fader before.”

“Really?” David straightened up, at that. “Never?”

Jack shook his head. “No, an’ I’m glad of it. They scare the shit outta me.”

David rolled his eyes. “They’re not scary, Jack. They’re people.”

“Dead people,” Jack stressed. “They’re  _ dead _ people, Davey. In what world is that not scary?”

“They’re not  _ corpses _ ,” David said. “They’re just minds, Jack. Not that scary.”

“Have you seen one then?” 

David nodded. “Yes, and it didn’t traumatize me. See? Not scary.”

“Says the guy who just told me he ain’t afraid of  _ dying _ ,” Jack grumbled. “Takes a lot to phase you, huh? Who’d you see?”

David leaned forward, cradling his chin in his palms. “My grandma,” he said. 

“And?” Jack asked, when it became clear that David wasn’t going to say anything else unless prompted. 

David laughed, bright and twinkling, setting Jack’s heart ablaze. “And she just showed up, one day. Just walked in the living room, looking like she did before she got sick.”

“Wait, so they look different?” Jack frowned. “I thought they didn’t know they were dead at first.”

“She was just coming to see us,” David explained, twisting his napkin through his fingers. “It was like… she remembered the hospital, and that she should have been there and not at home, but… it was just natural, to her. She wanted to be home, and she was.”

“But what about when they do realize? Did she flip out? Can they float?”

David swatted Jack with the napkin. “They don’t flip out, and they don’t  _ float _ , they’re not ghosts,” he said. “But with my grandma, her…” He made a face. “I realize this is about to sound bad.”

“Davey…” Jack warned. “They might not flip out, but I will.”

David sighed. “Okay, well… her hair started falling out again. And she… she stopped looking as healthy as she had been… it was like her body remembered she was supposed to be sick and all the signs just… appeared.”

“Her  _ hair was falling out? _ ” Jack cried, gripping the tablecloth. “She was  _ withering away? _ ”

“But it wasn’t bad!” David interrupted his panic. “She wasn’t like, horrified. She was just… remembering.”

Jack put on his best  _ what the hell?  _ face. “Do you forget  _ everything  _ when you’re a Fader? What’s the point?”

“No!” David laughed. “Jack, it’s… it’s hard to explain. It’s scary to hear about, but to see it? She was healthy, then she realized she was dead and it was just like, okay!”

“Just like, okay?” Jack mocked. “You’re not sellin’ this concept well, Davey.”

“It’s not a concept, it’s-” He cut himself off. “Okay, it was just… a peaceful realization. Right before she started fading, she just looked at us with the biggest smile and said something like ‘at least I got to say goodbye, and I got to tell you all that I love you, one last time’ and it’s always stuck with me.”

Jack made another face at David, this time trying to convey  _ that was a really sweet story and all, but I still think it’s fucked up that you’re not terrified of this. _ Judging by the face David was making back, he got the message. 

“Don’t look at me like that,” he snapped, but there was no real heat behind it. “I know it’s cheesy, but she wasn’t afraid of dying, and it let me see her happy and healthy one last time. I think it’s amazing.”

“I think  _ you’re _ amazing,” Jack shot back, and well, he wanted to be insulting, but that didn’t work, did it? “Besides that,” he barrelled on, before David could say anything cute back, “ain’t it different for everyone? How long did she have?”

“She did have a while,” David admitted. “It does vary, person to person, but still…”

“Still, it’s terrifying?” Jack finished for him. “Horrifying? Traumatizing? A literal nightmare? I’ve read the horror stories online, Davey. What if you don’t stick around long enough to know you’re dead? What if it’s like, an accident, and you just think you’re going to work or coming home as usual, and then you just drop dead?”

“Okay, okay!” David interrupted, laughing. “I get it. It can be… bad. But, Jack, all the horror stories you read online are just that-  _ stories _ , meant to scare people. I’ve never heard of anything  _ that _ horrifying happening with the Afterlife Effect.”

“You and I have different definitions of horrifying,” Jack told him. “I do  _ not _ want to be a Fader.”

“I want to be one,” David mused. “I think, as long as I have enough time to say ‘I love you’ one last time and fade with a smile on my face, that would be enough.”

“Who would you say ‘I love you’ to?” Jack asked, before he even thought about it.

David fixed him with this look, equal parts puzzled and fond, as if to say  _ isn’t it obvious? _ “You, Jack.”

Something inside Jack snapped at that. 

“Maybe being a Fader ain’t so bad,” he conceded. “I’d be one to say bye to you.”

“See? You’d get to see me one last time!” David tapped at the table. “One last chance to see everything you’re leaving behind!”

  
Jack winced. “I take it back, Davey, you’re fucking crazy. That shit will  _ always _ be scary.”   



	2. i was wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David swallowed, and Jack watched his throat contract with the effort. His lips were red, more than usual, his skin pale. “I think I’m afraid,” he whispered. “I was wrong, Jack, I don’t want this, I was so wrong.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok here we are w the mcd!! i love killing characters its literally so much fun

Jack slammed the door behind him, the sound echoing through his apartment. “Whew, Davey, good thing you left early,” he called out, kicking off his shoes, “traffic’s a  _ bitch _ right now. Think there was an accident somewhere up the road.”

When he walked into the living room, David wasn’t there. “Davey?” Jack tried, again. “You home?”

Jack beat David home, most days. He worked closer to home and had more flexible hours, but David had texted him that morning, a quick  _ I’m leaving early today so I’ll be home before you, I’ll make dinner tonight, _ so he should have been home. Jack was actually - a glance at his phone told him it was 6:24 pm - almost half an hour later than usual, thanks to the clogged up roads. Must’ve been  _ some _ accident. 

But, David wasn’t in the living room, or the kitchen, or the bathroom or their bedroom or even on the fire escape outside their window. 

_ This happens,  _ Jack reasoned to himself.  _ He’s probably stuck in traffic. _

Since David already committed to making dinner, Jack decided to be a good husband and just sit and wait and not make any effort to put food on the table. He sprawled out on the couch, doodling in his sketchbook to kill time. It couldn’t have been more than a few minutes later when he heard keys rattling in the door, and something in him settled.

“Welcome home, doll,” he called out, smiling to himself.

“Jack?” David sounded confused as he closed the door behind him. “Why are you home so early?”

“Early?” Jack frowned, then, looking up from his sketch. “I’m not early, I got home later than usual. You’re late too.”

David shuffled awkwardly into the living room, a confused look on his face. He seemed unsteady on his feet. “Am I?” His voice was hollow, and Jack sat up to get a better look. 

Jack never really cared about looking good. He was fine with going out in paint stained shirts or frayed jeans or dirty shoes, but David liked looking put together. He liked crisp, ironed shirts tucked into clean slacks with expensive, polished shoes. But, then… David’s shirt was ruffled, untucked, and a few buttons were missing from the top. There was a rip in the thigh of his pants, his shoes were scuffed, and he limped as he walked.

“Are you alright?” Jack asked, worried. “Davey, what happened to you?”

“What?” David looked down at himself, furrowing his eyebrows. “Um…” He rubbed his chest absentmindedly, then winced, looking at his hand in confusion. 

“Are you alright?” Jack asked again, climbing off the couch.

“I think so,” David said, distantly. 

“You think so?”

“I don’t…” David’s face screwed up, then, with a look Jack didn’t recognize. “Yeah, I’m okay, probably. Am I really home late?”

“It’s almost six thirty,” Jack told him, taking careful steps forward. Something like dread was settling low in his stomach, and he didn’t know why. “There was traffic though, maybe you got caught up.”

“Traffic?” There was a bruise on David’s jaw that Jack hadn’t seen before. “No, there wasn’t any traffic. It’s six thirty?”

“Yeah, when did you leave?”

“I left…” he paused, and Jack almost thought it looked like he was struggling to breathe. “I thought I left at five fifteen…”

“The traffic,” Jack tried, again. “You just got stuck, Davey, it’s okay.”

“No,” David stressed, his face screwing up tighter. “No, there wasn’t any traffic, Jack, I left a five fifteen, and I was driving, and then…”

Jack swallowed. “And then?” he prompted.

“And then I was here?”

“That’s how getting home usually works, doll.” Jack smiled, then, tight and forced because he was so damn  _ worried _ and he didn’t even know why. He reached out for David’s hand, but he jerked away before Jack could touch him, eyes wide.

“No, but I don’t  _ remember… _ ” his voice trailed off to a whisper. “I don’t remember how I  _ got _ here.”

Something clawed up Jack’s throat, and his heart hammered in his chest. “You should probably sit down, okay? You look… bad, Davey,  _ god _ ...”

“Yeah, I…” David gripped at the ends of his shirt. His hands were shaking. “I don’t really know how this happened, either.”

“Sit down,” Jack said, a little desperately. “Please.”

David took an unsure step forward, but shook his head. “I don’t think I can,” he rasped. “I don’t know why, I just… I feel like I  _ can’t _ .”

“Try, for me.” Jack reached out again, and grabbed hold of David’s wrist, wanting to tug him to the couch, but he snatched his hand away when he made contact with his skin. “Jeez, darlin’ you’re freezing,” he hissed, rubbing at his fingers. “It wasn’t that cold out a few minutes ago, was it?”

“No, I…” David looked to the window, and the lush green trees of summer, then to his wrist. “It’s not cold out,” he whispered. 

Jack took his hand again, ignoring the icy sting, and squeezed, trying to share his warmth. “What’s wrong?” he asked, his heart in his throat. He felt sick. “Davey, what’s wrong?”

David swallowed, and Jack watched his throat contract with the effort. His lips were red, more than usual, his skin pale. “I think I’m afraid,” he whispered. “I was wrong, Jack, I don’t want this, I was so wrong.”

“Afraid?” Jack searched David’s eyes, wanting to know, looking for a sign, anything to tell him what was  _ wrong. _ “What are you afraid of?”

David didn’t answer, just looked around their apartment with confused eyes, red lips, pale skin. The bruise on his jaw stood out against the pallor of his face, and Jack noticed a scrape on his neck as well. He brought his hand up to touch it, but-

His fingers were coated in blood, and he reeled back in shock.

David looked back to him, to his bloody fingers, but his eyes were unfocused. Jack pulled David’s arms up, pushing back his sleeves, and there were more bruises on his wrists, scratches littering his arms, his fingers scraped raw, bloodier than Jack’s. He pulled at the collar of David’s shirt and found a deeper bruise, dark and angry and bleeding, spreading yellow across his chest.

“What’s wrong?” Jack asked again, more frantic. His hands were shaking, too, hot and clammy against David’s frigid skin. His heart was racing, the clawing in his throat hot and heavy, the feeling of dread in his stomach swirling into a deep pit. “Davey, what happened?”

“I’m afraid,” was all David said.

“Afraid of what?” Jack repeated. 

David was silent for a few moments, but his breath wheezed through his chest and came out in shuddering bursts. “Dying,” he choked.

Jack’s eyes widened.

_ No. This can’t be happening. Not to us. Not to David. _

“No,” he said desperately, holding David’s battered hands to his chest. “No, you ain’t dyin’ Davey, you don’t need to be afraid of that.”

David coughed, then, suddenly, and blood spilled out of his lips, dripping onto his shirt.

“Baby,” Jack pleaded. The world spun around him. 

_ This can’t be happening.  _

“I’m sorry,” David managed.

“No!” Jack wailed, squeezing his eyes shut, flinging his arms entirely around David, trying to bring him in closer, like he could protect him, like he could prevent what was coming next. 

David kissed Jack’s shoulder, leaving his skin cold and damp, and Jack’s mind was a steady stream of  _ this can’t be happening, this can’t be it _ , but when he opened his eyes, David’s form was fading, and the burning cold where his body pressed against Jack’s was lightening into warmth.

_ This can’t be it. _

“I love you,” Jack sobbed. He tried to claw at David’s shirt, but his hands couldn’t take hold of anything. “I love you, don’t be afraid, please baby.”

Tears poured down David’s translucent face, mixing with the blood on his chin. His chest gurgled when he tried to speak, and he frowned with the effort. “I-” Another gush of blood poured from his mouth, spilling onto Jack’s shirt. “I lo-”

But he was too late.

Jack fell to his knees when David fully faded away, dropping to the hardwood below with a heavy  _ thunk _ . His hands were still wet with blood, and wasn’t that just a cruel trick, leaving fucking  _ evidence _ behind. 

“No!” he shrieked, clutching his hands to his chest, smearing more blood across his shirt, rocking back and forth. His screams echoed in the empty apartment. 

Jack tilted forward, his face pressed into the hardwood, still cool to the touch where David had been standing. He scratched at the ground, his chest, his neck, trying to find something to  _ hold onto _ , to tell him this was all some sick, twisted dream, trying to convince himself he’d wake up on the couch, his husband cooking dinner in the kitchen, not bleeding out somewhere that Jack couldn’t get to him because-

It was too late.

There was nobody left to hold.

Jack’s heart died with David. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really. i wanted to do a newsies oneshot so i could write FLUFF because my wip is soo angsty i was like ok lets take a break from the sad and write something happy! spread ur wings! and then i was looking for prompts in my notes app and found the afterlife effect... (i dreamt it as harry and louis from 1d lol) idk man like every time i write for a fandom im like ok we're fnally gonna do the afterlife effect and i just never got around to it... only took me 7 years to actually write it... anyway, sorry if youre sad :) i mean :((( 
> 
> tumblr- newsboyz.tumblr.com   
> (if anyone has a newsie prompt they would like to see written i perhaps would get around to it but tread lightly i might end up killing someone again) 
> 
> thank u for reading!!!! <3

**Author's Note:**

> way back in 2k14 i dreamt about the Afterlife Effect and its basically just like... when you die, your mind can take on physical form. it doesnt happen to everyone and there aren't a lot of strict 'rules' w it like different people linger for different amounts of time... and i mean i Think i had david explain it for me well enough but like your mind doesnt know youre dead at first so your body looks like normal, like in your Prime, but youre eased into the idea of being actually deceased by your cause of death catching up to you. if that makes sense. hmu if it doesnt :P


End file.
